Hardening Hardships

Gardening has not been going so well. The seedlings all sprouted wonderfully, and then began to die. Many got knocked off the top of the refrigerator, and fell down the stairs. Others got starved for water when I was gone for a couple of days due to work. Then the plant light got unplugged and left that way for a couple of days.

But most frustrating was the "hardening off" process, and the plants that were killed or damaged by it.

I can’t put out a plant for a couple of hours in the afternoon, and lengthen the number of hours that it stays out over the course of a week. My schedule is too random, and my attention too hard to keep. And some of these books recommend going two weeks or longer!

I’m looking into a grow box, with a lid that you open and shut. I built a one foot deep box, and buried it eight inches deep in the garden, so the contents will get heat from the soil, and less light than their above ground neighbors, and no wind. Next I need a lid that I can easily open and shut. Ah, if only I could open and shut it automatically. For now, just the lid will do. I’m probably thinking just a large sheet of Plexiglas.

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Television

We don’t have TV in our house.

Okay, so we kind of do. We have a television, and it does get some channels. Unfortunately (?) we don’t get any VHF channels, even with our extra-large antenna and our signal booster. All we get are the UHF channels.

For the most part, I don’t miss the other channels. Most of the television shows these days are not worth watching. We have a VCR, a DVD player, and a membership at CleanFlicks which allows us to watch as many edited movies as we can stand.

The only time I really miss regular television is during General Conference. For those who are not LDS, General Conference is when we get instructions from our church leadership to the church membership at large. Our family listens to it on the radio, but I would prefer to be able to watch it on television. However, it really isn’t reasonable to pay for cable just to be able to watch it for four days out of the year.

And of course, none of the cable companies want to offer a “Conference special.” They want long term contracts that return their infrastructure expenses.

At some point, our neighborhood will be getting fiber to the home. At that time, I intend to get high speed internet, and VOIP phone service. The one thing that will be extremely tempting, that I do not believe we will be getting, is the video package. I would love to do it, but for four days out of the year, I just can’t justify it. Now, if only I could pay a reduced price for just the PBS channels, that would be a different story. But for now, we’ll have to stick to listening to conference on the radio.

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Spring has Sprung

Today I got out the heavy equipment and had at the front yard. The lawn got mowed, the bushes got trimmed. I even got out a rake to clean up some of the leaves that escaped last fall.

Once again, I thought about how nice it might be to have a curb and sidewalk. Recent rains left large puddles at the edge where the lawn meets the street, and leaves and trash had blown onto the lawn from the park across the street.

We also cleaned out the garden shed, so that we could get the lawn mower put back away. I now have a pile of stuff that we took out of the shed, which seems larger than the shed ever was.

I’ve got tomatoes and lettuce growing in containers on the top of the fridge. I hooked up a plant light and a heating pad to a timer, and it runs from about seven at night until seven in the morning. The plants have been doing much better this year.

I was surprised at how well the seeds did at sprouting. In order to get better performance, I soaked the seeds in a cup of water on the heating pad overnight before planting. Even the tomato seeds I bought back in 2001, which look somewhat moldy, had a fifty percent sprouting rate.

The other day I noticed that my seedlings seemed to be looking somewhat wilted, so I checked the back of the potting soil bag. I’ve been watering them fairly often, but I don’t think I’ve been watering them heavily enough. I watered them a lot more, and the plants seem to have responded well. Maybe now I can go longer in between waterings.

Of course, now that I’ve got spring fever well under way, there is probably a heavy winter storm waiting in the wings to drop snow all over everything. Until then, I’ll enjoy the weather we have.

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Adoption Day

I was reminded that I have not let anyone know how our adoption went yet. Truth to tell, it seemed rather anticlimactic. The good parts all went exactly as scheduled, with no last-minute soap-opera-style twists.

On Thursday I awoke early, with The Wifey calling for help. Kidlina had vomited all over her bed, and had apparently then fallen back asleep in the middle of it, leaving it caked in her hair and on her clothes and face.

After a lengthy cleaning session, we had breakfast and got everyone dressed. We then went down to Wal-Mart for our scheduled portrait session.

Said session did not go well. We arrived a little early, and had to wait over half an hour past our scheduled time before we could even get started. By then our kids had exhausted their patience. Every photo had one child crying, or making a face, or with a finger placed in a facial orifice, or looking the wrong direction. After another half an hour of attempts at getting a picture, we surrendered and returned home.

After lunch, we got everyone changed into new clothes. (It’s amazing how much damage they can do to an outfit in such a short time.) We then drove down to the courthouse a few minutes early to take care of paperwork. Then we waited and waited, along with everyone who had come to show their support. Alicia, our case worker, had purchased small gifts for each of our kids, which they enjoyed greatly. Several neighbors and friends had also come, and the kids enjoyed playing with them.

Finally we made it into the courtroom. After a few questions, we were done. After over a year of stress, worry, and uncertainty, the girls were legally and irrevocably ours. It seemed wonderful, but a little difficult to believe that it was so easy, and over so quickly.

I suppose it was similar to our wedding ceremony. Everything leading up to it and everything afterwards was so huge, but the ceremony itself was extremely short and simple. I remember that it hardly seemed possible that we could really be married after something as simple as that. Now it hardly seems possible that the simple procedure in court was enough to make these girls a part of our family.

After the judge signed the papers to make it official, we took some pictures with the judge, who had been joking throughout the proceedings. He insisted on having each of the kids bang his gavel, and had me put on his robe and sit in his chair. I felt rather silly sitting there, but gave a light hit with the gavel. We then went back out to the lobby, where we took care of more paperwork.

We then went out to the Olive Garden to celebrate. It’s difficult to take four young children out to eat at a nicer restaurant, and we had not tried it for a very long time. To keep the story somewhat short, we had fun, and spent a lot more than we ever have before at a restaurant. And it will be another long time before we try taking all four children out to eat at a nicer restaurant again.

After the restaurant, we drove past the Provo temple, and talked about how we would be sealed as a family in just nine more days. The court had made us a family during our time on Earth. The temple will make us a family for the rest of eternity.

Then we returned home and put the kids to bed. I had taken the entire day off of work, so I was able to watch a movie with The Wifey at home.

No last minute twists in the story. Somehow I expected some previously unheard of relative to show up with a court order delaying the adoption while they pursue custody, or the judge to point out that some obscure rule had not been fulfilled, nullifying our preparations so far. But none of that happened. And now, our legal status matches our emotional one. We are a family.

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The Home Stretch

The hardest part of the adoption is done. All that is left is the details. Lots and lots of big, important details.

On April 6th we are scheduled to go before the judge for our adoption. At that point, the state will lose custody, and the girls will be legally our daughters.

On April 15th we are scheduled to go to the temple. We will be sealed to our new daughters for this life and the next, or “time and all eternity.” We believe that families can and should be together forever. This is the plan of our Heavenly Father. It is what we most desire.

If the bishop of our ward allows it, which I am sure he will, I will be giving my daughters a name and a blessing on April 16th. This is a special blessing, usually given to infants, where their official name is stated for the records of the church, and blessings are pronounced that are specific to the child. The only question is whether the bishop will allow it on April 16th, or if we will need to wait until the first Sunday in May.

We also need to update our wills and trusts. Currently, they state that they apply to MonkeyBoy, TikiPrincess, and any other children born to or adopted by us. I want that changed to mention Kidlina and Kentucky specifically.

Then we plan to shuffle the bedrooms around. We would like to have all three girls in a single room, but foster children are required to be no more than two to a room. Once we adopt, that restriction no longer applies to us.

The girls also need to be added to my work insurance. Medicaid will cover them, but only after any other insurance that could be used to cover them. Since my work will, I am required to add them to it.

I’m probably forgetting some other steps. No doubt The Wifey will fill them in for me. But for now, it’s just good to see how close it all is to being done.

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Vacuums Suck

We recently did our taxes, and saw that we were expecting a decent tax return. At about the same time, our vacuum died. We purchased the vacuum when we were first married, almost ten years ago, using money from gifts that we had returned. It had been a decent vacuum, but we decided after ten years, it was time to purchase something a little better.

We started by purchasing a Roomba, the robotic vacuum. Our kids had scattered bits of eggshell all over the front room floor, so this seemed like a good test environment, once we had it assembled and the battery charged. We blocked off the doorway, put the Roomba in the middle of the floor, plugged in the recharger at one end, and pressed the “clean” button.

The Roomba took off, cleaning different areas, and giving extra attention to our high traffic areas. Then it got stuck in our coat closet. We moved some things around so that wouldn’t happen, and started again.

The Roomba took off again, but long before it had vacuumed the entire room, it gave up. We tried it again, and had the same result. We put it by the recharger, and started again. It cleaned quite a bit, then got stuck under a table. It could move around, but it couldn’t seem to find its way back out.

We tried over and over. It kept getting into places where it could not find a way back out. It finally returned to the recharger, claiming to be done. However, there was still eggshell on the rug.

Watching the Roomba, it appeared to have certain algorithms for bumping into walls, or encountering a particularly dirty spot. The rest of the time, it appeared to just run around randomly, and hope that it covered the entire room in the process. Our front room apparently was too large for it to handle effectively, and had too many small spaces where the Roomba could get stuck. It didn’t seem worth the $200 for a vacuum that didn’t clean, even if it would run on its own.

We returned the Roomba and bought a Dyson Cyclone. The Dyson vacuum is a bagless vacuum that uses multiple “vortexes” to remove dirt without clogging any filters. The main advertising promise was that it wouldn’t clog and wouldn’t lose suction.

The Dyson easily handled the eggshell in the front room, and cleaned up a massive amount of dirt and hair that the Roomba had missed. We were shocked at how much there was, since the carpet had looked pretty clean before, other than the eggshells.

The kids by now had also spread Cheerios down the hall. The Wifey used the Dyson to clean them up. Before she finished, however, the Dyson clogged up and lost suction.

We did the best we could to unclog it, but the Dyson started to give off the odor of smoke. I took it apart and found the HEPA filter, which was turning black from the smoke coming from the motor. We decided to return it, since we didn’t expect a $550 vacuum to break down on the first day of use.

Next up was a $60 Dirt Devil. It was also bagless, and it also collected lots of dust and hair from the front room. I began to wonder what our carpet was really made of. Surely this couldn’t all have been missed by our old vacuum, the Roomba, and the Dyson.

Once again, on the first day of testing, the vacuum began to smell of smoke. We quickly returned it.

Finally, we purchased a Eureka TheBoss Smartvac. It’s kind of heavy, and it’s kind of hard to push around the room. But it cleans well, and it hasn’t started smoking. So far, we really like it. I hope it can last another ten years.

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Foster Care Options

There are many ways for people to participate in foster care. Some foster parents specialize in shelter care, which is short-term care while the state searches for a more permanent placement. Other foster parents offer respite care, which is basically overnight babysitting so that foster parents can get away. Some people are peer parents, who meet with and teach the birth parents basic parenting skills. Some people do standard longer-term foster parenting, and others are focused on fostering to adopt.

Even within normal foster care, there are multiple options. We have spoken to several foster parents who focus on taking care of teenagers. Apparently, this pays better than taking care of younger children, and some parents really enjoy it.

We have focused on children between the ages of zero to two. There is a lot more competition in this age range, so it takes longer to get a placement. Everyone wants to adopt a baby.

We optioned for shelter care, foster care, and foster-to-adopt. When a child is placed with us for shelter care, often the caseworker does not know whether the child will be returned home, placed with a family member, placed in foster care long term, or become available to be adopted. If it is either of the latter two options, we generally get first pick, since the child has already gotten used to living with us and has started to bond with us.

We also chose to have up to two children placed with us at a time. This may have meant that we were overlooked for cases where there was only one child to place, but there is a lot less competition for sibling groups. We might have been willing to take a larger sibling group, but doubling the number of children in our family in one blow already seemed hard enough already.

The hardest families for social workers to place are ones with lots of kids. They generally have to break them up into ones or twos, because so few foster parents are able and willing to add that many children to their family all at once.

I know for us, just taking in two was difficult. But if they had asked us to take two, and we found that there was a third sibling that would be going to another home, we would have wanted all three to be together with us. More than that, and we would have prayed really hard to know what course to take.

As it stands, the two we have fit into our family very well. We can’t wait to finally adopt them. And once we get everything squared away and life returns more or less to normal, we will probably open our home to still more foster children.

After all, there are still a lot of children out there who need a good home.

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Finishing Benches

My father-in-law is an excellent carpenter, and a very hard worker. One of the results of this combination is that when he visits, he prefers to have something to work on. We always try to have a project ready for him, as kind of a gift to him. We always enjoy the beautiful results, which are his gift to us.

The one drawback is that he rarely has enough time to finish the entire job during his visit. Thus, I am left to finish it after he leaves. It usually is not difficult work, but it does take time, which is always in short supply.

The latest project was three benches for our kitchen table. We used one of the benches unfinished for a while, but one of the kids drew on it with a marker. So one day when I was able, I took it outside, filled the screw holes, sanded off the marker and the wood filler, and stained most of it.

A few days later, when some free time coincided with decent weather, I took the other two benches outside and filled and sanded them. I left them outside while I went to work, and snow fell on them while I was gone.

Later, I re-sanded those two benches. I then stained the bottom of the first bench and the tops of the other two benches. Before I could finish, SpiderBoy knocked over the can of stain, which spilled off my drop cloth and got onto our wood deck.

So, I focused on cleanup, and moved the benches back inside as soon as they were dry enough. I’ve been waiting ever since for another good day to coincide with some free time, so I can finish staining and finally seal the benches. Hopefully, before the stain is ruined with an unnoticed milk spill.

If time, weather and kids had permitted, I could have had all three benches done in a single day. Instead, the project stretches out for weeks, and I spend more time fixing various problems than on getting the project to progress.

I guess as long as I can get it finished before my father-in-law comes back for his next visit, everyone will be happy. I’m not sure what we will get for him to do next, though.

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Homeschooling and Foster Care

Most people have nothing to do with homeschooling. Most people have nothing to do with foster care. Foster parents who homeschool are rare indeed.

Most people, including many social workers, hold a dim view of homeschooling. It seems like most people that I have spoken to know of a family who says that they homeschool but really just let their kids run wild and uneducated. Then there is the stereotype of a homeschooler—the religious fanatic who keeps their kids locked up and indoctrinates them with an extreme religious viewpoint in a near-abusive manner, while keeping them isolated from the real world.

In either of those situations, I could see why a social worker would be worried. However, most homeschooling families that I know work hard to educate their kids, try to get adequate socialization, and have very well-rounded children.

There are certain things that I feel have helped us as we have tried to have social workers trust us with children in the states custody.

1. We’ve tried not to bring up homeschooling unless the social worker brings up the topic. If it never comes up, it isn’t a concern.

2. When it has come up, we’ve make it clear that foster children go to school wherever the state wants them to. As long as the state has custody, the state makes the rules.

3. We follow all of the state laws with regard to homeschooling, including getting an exemption certificate and tracking the days when school is in session. Many homeschooling parents near us do not bother, because our local schools are so overflowing that no one follows up. We make it a point to follow the letter of the law.

4. My wife is a certified school teacher. For some reason, this fact stops most arguments cold, even though neither my wife nor I feel that it is an important consideration.

5. We explain that we are not against public schooling; we simply feel that it is not right for our children at this time. If we ever felt like homeschooling wasn’t working, we would put our children into public school.

6. We point out that our children are at least a grade level above where they would be in public school, in terms of their abilities.

7. We point out that SpiderBoy is the only child old enough to even attend public school, and he would be in kindergarten, which is optional in our state.

It hasn’t alleviated everyone’s fears, but it has given us some room to prove that it works. The social workers that we have worked with have gotten to know us, and that we are excellent foster parents who do everything we can for the welfare of our children. Some of them are even beginning to drop their stereotypes.

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Plotting in the Spring

It’s that time of year, when a young man’s fancy turns to gardening. Every spring, I spend lots of time planning my garden, and waiting impatiently for my opportunity to start planting.

My seedlings die. I plant way more than I can handle. Most of the plants in my garden never produce. I water too heavily, interspersed with not watering at all for long stretches. I weed too infrequently.

One book that has really helped me to get things under better control is Square Foot Gardening by Mel Bartholomew. He saw that too many gardeners start out with high ambition and give up before the end of the year. He worked out a way to have a smaller garden produce more with less work.

When I ordered this book from Amazon, it recommended Cubed Foot Gardening as a companion. I bought it, but I have not been impressed. It was only named that to steal some marketing from the Square Foot Gardening book. It is a stripped-down version of the square foot method.

I’m still working on getting my garden to work. I’m getting everything ready to plant my seedlings now, even though I won’t actually start planting until April, and won’t move things outside until May. I think there are three things that have been killing my seedlings.

First is watering. I tend to either over water or under water. It’s hard to know the right amount to just keep things moist. I’m going to be using a spray bottle and taking a close look at things before watering.

Second is heat. Most of these seeds should be kept around 70 degrees during germination. My house sometimes gets down to 55 degrees at night. I’m looking for a small heating pad that I can safely use all night long.

Third is light. I have a broad spectrum bulb providing light to these plants, but it might not be the best kind of bulb. I’ll probably replace it with a bulb specifically for plants.

I’m also cutting back on how many different kinds of plants I’ll be working with. My goal is to have less work to do, so that I enjoy my time more when I go out to my garden.

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Chupaqueso

I enjoy the writings of Howard Tayler, whether it be his livejournal or his comic strip. He somewhat recently started yet another blog about a fried cheese dish called a chupaqueso. (Jay Maynard, aka Tron Guy, is his cohost on the new blog.)

I recently decided to try to make one. However, I was somewhat short of ingredients around the house. So, I made one with some improvised ingredients.

A chupaqueso is basically a shell made of fried cheese wrapped around other ingredients, usually involving melted cheese. I decided to wrap mine around some scrambled egg, for an inverted omelet. Since the only regular cheese I had was mozzarella, I used that for my shell. I had read somthing about using cottage cheese as a filling, so I decided to try that. I also added some diced jalapeño, to give it a bit more bite.






In all, it wasn’t too bad. The shell was a bit overdone. It's hard not to overcook food when you are trying to take care of kids at the same time. The cottage cheese tasted a tad weird with the egg. If I have the right ingredients next time, I would use cheddar instead. Also, I would probably use less egg and add in some crumbled bacon.

But for the most part, I think I should stay farther away from chupaquesos and eat more cholesterol-reducing oatmeal instead.

PS: Howard, if you find this, you are welcome to post it on chupaqueso.com, as long as there is a link back to here.

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Investment Help Wanted

Having read all of my books on finances, I have put a little bit of money aside. I would like to invest it.

The biggest question is where to invest. I have numerous stocks in my retirement accounts, but I would like to invest some money somewhere else. Diversification means more than just buying ten different mutual funds. Real estate seems like an obvious investment choice, but I’m having trouble getting started with my limited budget.

The option that keeps looking good to me is to buy a fixer-upper, fix it up, and then sell it. The big problem is time. With work, homeschooling, and foster care, I have very little time to invest into fixing up a house. I can barely keep up with the house I already own.

There was a period when I had the time. I was between jobs, and anxiously searching for a new one. However, then I did not have the money to risk.

What I would most like is a partner I could trust, who currently had more time than money. With my excellent credit and some cash, we could buy a fixer-upper together, and fix it up quickly. I’d even be willing to take a small loss on our first house, just for the experience.

I’ve got a couple of people in mind as partners. The hardest part is going to be bringing up the topic. Second hardest part will be convincing The Wifey that this is a good idea at this time. Since I’m not quite sure myself, that might actually be the hardest part.

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Political Leanings

I grew up in California, and there my political views were considered quite conservative. I then moved to Ohio, and found that my views were considered quite liberal, without having changed at all. Where you stand in the spectrum depends a lot on where the people around you stand.

My views have grown and changed a lot since then. I now consider myself to be rather conservative, with a streak of libertarianism. That streak is mostly tempered by the fact that most of the people in the Libertarian party seem to just want to legalize pot, which I am against.

I came to the realization that most people want the government to make things fair. Without government, life would be extremely unfair. The question is, what is fair?

It seems to me that most conservatives want the government to dispense justice. What an individual earns should be theirs to keep. When a person commits a crime, they should be punished.

Most liberals want the government to dispense mercy. If an individual cannot earn enough, the government should provide for them, by taking it away from those who have more. When a person commits a crime, the government should be lenient and forgiving.

I tend more towards justice in my government, with just a smattering of mercy. I think that mercy is better dispensed by individuals than by legislation and government bureaucracy.

But that’s just my opinion. You are welcome to your own.

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Naming Names

As we prepare to adopt Munchkin and Kidling, the subject of names has come up. We are considering changing the girls’ names. Their real names, not the code names I use here.

Kidling’s name would be changed very little, along the lines of changing to Kidleena. Munckin’s name would be changed a lot more, like changing to Kentucky, with an intermediate phase of calling her Munchkentucky to get her used to the sound of it.

We haven’t made up our minds completely yet. We don’t want to introduce any additional emotional problems into our girls’ lives. But if we can, we would like to change the names to ones that we like better. I wish I could find someone whose name was changed before the age of three, and how that affected them.

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Balancing the Checkbook

Every Sunday, I balance the checkbooks and check how we are doing on our budget. Our budget is strict, and we don’t follow it perfectly, but we try, and the budget can be adjusted as needed from week to week.

We’ve worked on a lot of different budgets and theories. The basic sound principle of finances is, “Spend less than you earn.” Simple, but difficult. What happens when there is an emergency, and you have to spend all of your savings plus a bit more? What happens when those emergencies keep happening?

I know that in our family, those emergencies do happen. We plan on them. We try to set a bit aside every month for car repairs, house repairs, and medical expenses. When there is an emergency, we usually have enough set aside to cover it.

I’ve read numerous financial books, and still have several within reach. I’ve got Marvin J. Ashton’s One for the Money, George S.Clason’s The Richest Man in Babylon, Janene Baadsgaard’s Family Finances for the Flabbergasted and Mary Hunt’s The Complete Cheapskate. I would also have The Wealthy Barber, but I’ve been able to borrow that from the library whenever I wanted to read through it. I’ve also enjoyed Rich Dad, Poor Dad and others.

Some of the basic principles that seem to be repeated most often:
1. Spend less than you earn. Put aside at least 10 percent of your income for long-term savings.
2. Avoid debt. If you are currently in debt, don’t get in deeper. Move things to a lower interest loan, if you can, and then pay it down. Cut up your credit cards if you need to, in order to keep from going back in to debt.
3. Pay 10 percent of your income to a charity. The financial books written by LDS people recommend paying tithing to the LDS church. Other financial books simply recommend giving generously to charities, and some recommend specifically giving one tenth of what you earn. This does not seem to make a lot of sense in the short term, but numerous financial experts claim that it works in the long run.
4. Prepare adequately for the future. Insurance, wills, food storage, emergency preparedness, retirement plans, educational IRAs, and other areas, help us to prepare now for our future needs.

I know that in our family, there are two things that throw us off track the fastest. First, we get busy, so we buy convenience. We are running around to visits with the parents of the foster children, or their therapy appointments, or homeschooling play groups, or any of a dozen other things, and so we eat at a restaurant, instead of eating at home. Or we buy pre-made freezer meals instead of the raw ingredients.

The second problem is that when I feel unloved or unappreciated, I sometimes will go out and buy myself a gift. I usually don’t even realize why I am doing it. I just suddenly feel that I was going to buy that grill sometime anyway, and it’s on sale right now, so I should buy it now and save the money, even though it throws our budget off completely. I then feel guilty, and I don’t want to admit anything to The Wifey until the bill arrives and I can’t avoid the subject any longer.

When it is a battle between emotions and logic, emotions will usually win, and we will twist our logic around to match. However, since I have learned this about myself, I can do things differently. I can buy myself something much smaller, such as a candy bar. Then later I can look at the underlying reason of why I feel unloved or unappreciated, and I can do something to change it.

And that is the real key to taking charge of our financial lives. We need to find our own weak spots, and learn how to overcome them.

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Becoming a Foster Family

When The Wifey and I got married, we decided to start having kids basically right away. Our plans did not work out. We went to doctors, ran various tests, took medications, went to support groups, and tried to move on with life.

One step that we took was to become foster parents. We took lots of classes, went through all kinds of background checks and home visits, and then waited and waited for DCFS. Eventually, we got a call, although we had almost given up. We hadn’t even notified DCFS of our last change of address.

There was a little girl who needed a home. We got WendyGirl just six days after her first birthday, and we loved her. There was a very strong possibility that she would be adopted, and we wanted to be the ones to adopt her.

Her parents did not do the things that they should. The judge would say that they needed to meet certain minimums, or else. They would do half of it. The judge would give them an extension and cut back the requirements, and say they had to do it or else. They would do half of that. Eventually, the judge said that WendyGirl would return home, but if the parents lost employment or housing within two weeks, WendyGirl would be taken away for good. They lost both in about three weeks. As far as I am aware, WendyGirl is still with them today.

My heart still aches for WendyGirl. I don’t think about her every day anymore, but I still do think about her often. She would be eight years old now. Whenever I think about her, I pray that she is doing all right. WendyGirl, where ever you are, we still love you.

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All You Need is Love

Today I took the day off of work and went to the wedding of my second-oldest nephew. It made me think about some things that I have learned since I was married.

When I married The Wifey, we were both deeply in love, and we thought that we could keep that feeling alive forever. I remember that I wanted to show her how much she was loved, so I gave her a wedding present, and a one-week anniversary present, and a one-month anniversary present, and a birthday present, and a Mother’s Day present, all within the first couple of months.

The Wifey praised me and told me how wonderful I was for thinking of such things. But she didn’t reciprocate with the gift giving. Finally for Father’s Day she gave me a present that we had spoken of her getting for me for a wedding gift. One gift, months later, did not seem to make up for all of the missed opportunities.

I did not feel very loved from all of that, and neither did The Wifey. I was giving gifts, because well-chosen gifts make me feel loved. The Wifey was praising me, because praise makes her feel loved. Because we didn’t understand each other’s needs, we were failing. “A” for effort, “F” for effectiveness.

But we stuck with it. We talked. We studied. Eventually, we worked some things out and learned some new ideas.

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Steven Covey talks about an “emotional bank account.” The idea is that in any relationship, there is a virtual bank account, and any actions we do in that relationship either make deposits or withdrawals. One of the most important things we can do is to learn what the other person in the relationship considers a deposit.

In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman talks about an “emotional love tank.” He states that there are five main ways that people express and understand love. There are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

When I first heard about this, I made the mistake of assuming that physical touch was my primary love language, because I liked what went on in the bedroom. Gary states that many men make the same mistake. However, I didn’t care as much for the holding hands, cuddling, hugging, and such. That was all nice, but it didn’t really make me feel loved.

I can now see that I used the giving of gifts to show my love and to try to make deposits in my wife’s emotional bank account. The Wifey used words of affirmation. Giving praise does not come easily to me, but I am making efforts to remember more often. The Wifey is wonderful, and she deserves to know it. As I strive to praise my wife, I can tell that she feels more loved.

The Wifey is also learning to give more gifts, despite our constantly-restricted budget. A gift does not have to be big or expensive to be meaningful. I know that one thing that stood out from early in our courtship was when she gave me a rose on the first night of a stage production I was involved in. I didn’t particularly care for roses, but that gift stood out to me, and made me feel truly loved.

After we got married, the “in-love” feeling we had experienced during courtship faded. But we have since replaced it with a love that is truer, deeper, and much longer lasting. I hope that my nephew will be able to do the same.

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Party Review

We used to have very poor turnout at our birthday parties. At one party, nobody had arrived thirty minutes after the party was supposed to have started. We called around, and everyone had forgotten about it.

The last two birthday parties for our kids have been very well attended, and everyone who went talked about it for quite a while afterward.

First, we chose a theme. SpiderBoy had a pirate theme, and TikiPrincess had a royalty theme.

Next, we made interesting invitations that would instantly attract attention. Any child who saw one of these invitations really wanted to attend.

For the pirate theme, we printed out a picture of a pirate over a pirate map, and wrote our invitation on the map. We then cut it out, and yellowed the paper in the oven. We rolled the invitation and tied it with a bit of yarn.

For the princess party, we printed out individualized invitations, written in the form of a royal proclamation. “Hear ye, hear ye, by royal decree, Princess Girlnextdoor is hereby invited to the birthday celebrations of her royal highness, Princess TikiPrincess.” We rolled the invitation and tied it with a ribbon.

We strove to find appropriate party favors. The pirates took home a pirate eye patch, as well as a bag full of pirate booty, consisting of plastic coins, chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil, and Jujubes jewels.

Here two guests show off their eye patches.


The princes and princesses took home a princess hat or crown, a wand or sword, and a bag full of the dragon’s hoard.

Here two guests show off their wands and princess hats.


We worked hard on making the cakes.



Everyone loved our treasure hunts, whether we wrote out instructions or used maps.


At the end of one treasure hunt, we found a treasure chest stuffed with pirate booty. At the end of the other, we found a dragon, stuffed with its hoard.

We played the same party games as we had before, but with different names. Musical chairs became “Walk the Plank.” Simon says became “The Princess says.” For some reason, it seems to be more fun when it’s called by a different name.

All of this took a lot of work on our part. But we had a very high rate of people RSVPing, and everyone who could, showed up and had a great time.

Some things I’ve learned:

• Frosting a cake with little cut bits, like the pyramid shapes on the castle, is very difficult. I wanted a frosting I could spray on like spray-paint. Since I didn’t have that, I used a pastry bag with a flat tip to cover it with ribbons, then smoothed it together with a basting brush dipped in water.



• Drilling holes in the pointy end of a heart is very difficult, no matter how you do it. I might have done it differently by drilling a hole in from the top and going clear through.



• Invitations printed on a laser printer survive being yellowed in the oven better than invitations printed on an inkjet.



• If I can imagine how a thing could be made, I can usually make it.



• Putting on an elaborate party can be expensive and time-consuming, but a good time is had by all.

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In Court Today

On Valentines Day, we received a call from our social worker. A remediation was scheduled for the following day, and we might be going to court immediately afterwards. We were asked to be present at 3:30.

The timing was awful. Valentines Day is TikiPrincess’s birthday, but she was having her party two days later, and there was still a lot to get ready. Plus, on the 17th, The Wifey’s nephew is getting married, so The Wifey’s parents were showing up at our house on the 15th, and would arrive while we were out. And finally, I work from 4 pm to 1 am.

But we went anyway. We were frantic in the morning, trying to get ready for the party and for our houseguests. Our babysitter arrived, and only after that were we able to get in touch with The Wifey’s parents to let them know that we would not be there when they arrived. It was snowing heavily, so we had a difficult time driving to the courthouse. Eventually, we made it.

There was some awkward small talk, while waiting to make sure everyone was there who needed to be there, and then we started entering a conference room. Our foster daughters, Munchkin and Kidling, have the same mother, but different fathers, so there were three parents present, plus two grandparents and assorted attorneys.

Some of the parents started fighting with each other, so the decision was made to meet with one parent at a time. In addition, we met with a couple of grandparents. Basically, everyone wanted some assurance that after they gave up their parental rights, they would get one last visit to say goodbye, and that we would allow them to know what was going on in the girls’ lives. All of the parents got a goodbye visit set up, and we stated our intention to send out letters and pictures.

Then we entered the courtoom. Due to the fighting that had happened earlier, one father came in at first, did his part, and then left. Then the other father and mother came in and did their parts.

The attorneys explained to the judge that the parents were choosing to voluntarily relinquish their parental rights. They then asked specific questions of the parents, and had them sign a paper to that effect, which was given to the judge. The judge then terminated their rights.

Then, suddenly, it was done. Munchkin and Kidling have been with us for over a year. We have loved them as if they were our own. Now they are.

Technically, the state still has custody, and there are several more hoops to jump through before we can officially adopt them, and add them to our family permanently. But all that is just a formality. Right now, no one has a claim on these girls but the state and us, and the state intends to give them to us.

I cannot describe how I feel. I half feel like laughing, and half like crying. I am so thrilled, so relieved, so overcome with gratitude. I said a prayer, and all I could say was, “Thank you,” over and over again.

Months ago, I received a priesthood blessing for an illness that I had, similar to the blessings that the apostles gave in the New Testament. During that blessing, I suddenly silently prayed that the person giving the blessing would be inspired to give me a blessing about our foster daughters, who we wanted to keep. The next words of that blessing were, “God will grant your righteous desires.” I felt that I had received my desired blessing.

That night, I was discussing it with The Wifey, and she said that it could just be a coincidence. The next morning, I played a recording of sermons given at the last General Conference of the LDS church. As it happened, the first sermon I heard that morning was about so-called coincidences and the "tender mercies of the Lord." To quote:

“Some may count this experience as simply a nice coincidence, but I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them.” Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

After confirmation such as that, I could no longer dismiss it as coincidence. It took months, and at times I have doubted that I understood correctly, but now at last, the promises made in that blessing have been kept. God has granted my righteous desires.

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Revamping the Homeschooling Plans

When we originally decided to homeschool this year, we had big plans. Last year we had done some kindergarten for SpiderBoy, primarily just to keep him busy and out of trouble, since he was not old enough for public school. This year we were going to homeschool SpiderBoy officially. We also were starting TikiPrincess in homeschool kindergarten, although she is not old enough for public school yet.

We chose some A Beka books to get a basic foundation of reading, writing, and arithmetic. Adding to that, we bought a bunch of reading books, a children's illustrated encyclopedia, a history book from the people who wrote “The Well-Trained Mind,” and membership in a library with more books than our local library. We also had plans to do play groups, roller skating, and gymnastics.

With the extensive amount of time taken for foster parenting, most of that fell by the wayside. Workbooks are easy to use, so both of our kids have made huge progress through their A Beka books, which have laid a great ground work. Both children have math and English skills beyond their peers, even if we ignore age and just focus on grade level. TikiPrincess has finished her kindergarten books and has now started on her first grade books. SpiderBoy is nearing the end of all of his first grade books.

The science, history and geography have been extremely spotty. Our biggest progress has been that SpiderBoy knows how to look up a topic in the table of contents or index, and can then turn to the appropriate page to find what he is looking for.

We dropped the library membership because we rarely made it out there. Our local library was used quite a bit, but they are now closed due to computer problems. They have been closed for weeks, and may take several more weeks to reopen. However, our home library is fairly decently sized, and SpiderBoy often reads those books to his sisters.

We have kept up with some of the play groups, roller skating and gymnastics, but scheduling and childhood illnesses have made us miss a decent amount of that.

Now The Wifey has started reading a book called, "A Thomas Jefferson Education." The central theme seems to be studying the classics with a mentor. The Wifey wants to drop our workbooks in favor of this approach. I look at the progress we have made using the workbooks, and I want to stay with it. I am willing to add this method to the repertoire.

What we have chosen to do is to cease insisting on workbooks being done. There are rewards for doing workbooks, but no punishments, per se. Admittedly, some of the rewards, such as being able to watch TV or play on the computer, seem like a punishment when they are withheld, but it is their choice whether to do the necessary work to get that reward or not.

We the parents are focusing our time and efforts on the science, history, geography, and now literature. For our first classic, The Wifey has been reading one of the "Little House on the Prairie" books with our children. SpiderBoy will sometimes read aloud from it for up to fifteen minutes at a time. The Wifey also wants to spend more time with TikiPrincess, just having her read from simple books such as Dr. Seuss.

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Dragon Piñata Sketch

The other day, SpiderBoy decided to draw a picture of everyone hitting the dragon piñata at TikiPrincess’s birthday party. This is a close-up of a window in a large house that he drew. Both TikiPrincess and SpiderBoy are very excited about the upcoming party.

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Here there be dragons

TikiPrincess has a birthday tomorrow. We’re planning a prince-and-princess-themed birthday party for two days later. We’re doing a castle-shaped cake, crowns and princess hats for the guests, swords and scepters, and a dragon-shaped piñata. I’ve had some interest in the home-made piñata, so I’m putting some pictures up here.

First, I took one large balloon and one small balloon, and coated them in papier-mâché, which is strips of newspaper dipped into a mixture of flour and water.


Then, I cut out other parts from cardboard scraps.


I created a face on the smaller balloon using Play-Doh.


I built feet from cardboard cutouts, twisty-straws, and some Play-Doh to hold it together, then wrapped the whole thing in papier-mâché.


I also wrapped the other parts in papier-mâché.


I assembled the parts using a combination of popsicle sticks, wire, tape, hot glue, and papier-mâché.


Add some paint, and we have a dragon.



The hardest part has been keeping the kids from breaking it before it was finished.

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Honesty update

I mentioned earlier that SpiderBoy was paying off his debt, one quarter at a time. He has kept it up for four days now. I’ve left him a note every night, letting him know how proud I am of him.

I’ve also tried to reinforce SpiderBoy’s self-image as an honest person. I praise him for every act of honesty that I see. I also shared with The Wifey in front of SpiderBoy some specific times during the day when he acted with honesty. I could tell that it meant a lot to him.

Finally, I’ve spent a lot of time with SpiderBoy, one-on-one. I’ve talked with him, I’ve played games with him, I’ve listened to him.

So far, it seems to be doing some good.

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Religion is not easy

The LDS religion is not easy to follow.

I give up 10% of my income directly to the church, plus more to charities, some church-related and some not. My income would be stretched even without paying that. (For information on the purpose and disbursement of this tithing, click here.)

I attend church services for three hours every Sunday. I’m usually so tired from working the night before that I struggle to stay awake, and my four kids make sure to interrupt anything interesting in the main portion of the services. Most of my religious education comes from reading the scriptures and other books at home.

The LDS church does not have professional clergy. Instead, leaders and teachers are called from the congregation, and they perform unpaid in addition to their regular jobs. I have a calling as an assistant ward financial clerk. It means that every Sunday, I spend hours entering financial data into a computer.

And at the Sunday services, you never know what someone is going to say. Testimony meetings, held monthly, are sort of an “open-mike” experience. I’ve seen a guy stand up and talk about the alien that nearly abducted him when he was using drugs with his live-in girlfriend. It very rarely gets that weird, but people do preach things that do not fit in with my understanding of the gospel.

I find that I can’t just sit back and agree with what I hear. I feel a need to actively sort what I am hearing into doctrinal fact and personal opinions, and then to make up my own mind about what to believe. It never helps that so many people present their personal opinions as doctrinal fact.

So why do I do it? It’s not easy, but it is worth it.

I have a close, personal relationship with God. Someone trying to debate the existence of God with me might as well be debating the existence of my dad. Maybe I can’t prove it to you, but I talked with him just this morning, and I know I can speak with him again anytime.

I have seen miracles. I have participated in miracles. I have performed miracles. Rather, God has performed miracles through me. These have been far too personal to share in an open blog such as this, but they have been real, and to me undeniable.

And even on a day like today, when I was tired, had a headache, had four children to wrestle with to keep them from disturbing everyone, I can still feel the influence of the Holy Ghost. During our closing hymn, I was struck by the words we were singing:
“How blessed the day when the lamb and the lion
Shall lie down together without any ire…”

The song continues with further images from Revelations, but I was inspired by that image of peace. The world once fought in a war that was called “the war to end all wars.” Then they fought World War II. We’ve had numerous wars since then. I don’t believe that the world will ever find peace until Jesus Christ returns. I look forward to the day, whenever it may be.

Until that day, I’ll be a practicing member of the LDS church. I invite you to join me.

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Dealing with Dishonesty

Over the past few months, we've been noticing that SpiderBoy has been having a problem with honesty. He has started to take things that don't belong to him, and he has lied about it.

The Wifey and I have talked extensively about what to do. We've tried many things that have not seemed to have much effect.

Recently, SpiderBoy stole some ice cream out of the freezer and hid it downstairs. This was ice cream that we were planning on having for my birthday the next day. The following morning, we found out about the missing ice cream when Kidling came upstairs, smeared with melted ice cream from head to toe.

We talked with SpiderBoy about all of the problems that he had caused. We didn't have ice cream for my birthday. There was a huge mess to clean up. But worst of all, SpiderBoy had stolen. We talked about what happens when a grownup steals and is caught. We talked about how much waste occurs due to stealing. Then we bought some more ice cream, and said we didn't want to ruin my birthday, so we would not talk about it until the next day.

Mostly, I was stalling. SpiderBoy obviously was unhappy, but he just wanted the lectures to stop. He didn’t want to change. We needed to do something else to make the dishonest behavior stop.

I decided to give SpiderBoy a choice of punishments. He could either clean behind the refrigerator, or he could miss out on having ice cream at TikiPrincess's birthday, which is coming up next week.

SpiderBoy chose to miss out on having ice cream. I did not think that this alone would be enough to change his behavior much.

We decided from the start that SpiderBoy would need to pay for the ice cream we had to purchase. However, SpiderBoy has no money, as he spends it all the first chance he gets. Now SpiderBoy was in debt.

I had a long talk with SpiderBoy. He needs to pay back the loan at a rate of one quarter every day. It is his responsibility to remember to earn the money, and to remember to make the payment. If he does not, when I get home from work at two in the morning, I foreclose on the loan. We agreed that his bed would be his collateral for the loan.

If SpiderBoy has not left a quarter for me when I get home, I go into his room, dump him on the floor, and take the mattress. He doesn't get it back until he pays two quarters. He also doesn't get to be mean to me or the Wifey because of it. It's his responsibility, so if he forgets, it's his fault.

Last night there was a quarter waiting for me when I got home. Tonight I see another one. I hope this means that this is working. I don’t care about the money, or the ice cream. I do care a great deal about my son, and about helping him to learn the right lesson from all of this.

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Who am I?

I tend to define myself in terms of my relationships with others.

I am a son of my Heavenly Father. In practice, I am a “Mormon,” a member of the LDS Church. I hope no one is so blind as to stop reading based on that fact alone.

I am a husband of a wonderful woman, who has put up with my many quirks and shortcomings, and has loved me regardless.

I am a father of some wonderful children. I have a biological son and daughter who mean the world to me. I am also a foster father. I have had several foster children whom I have loved deeply. I currently have two foster daughters that I hope to be able to add to our family permanently.

I am a member of a large extended family, with an extensive family tree and more reunions per year than I could possibly attend.

I am an employee of a good company. I’ve tried running my own business, and the paychecks were far too small to be worth it. I may try again someday, but not any time soon. I currently work a swing shift, Tuesday to Saturday, which greatly affects the rest of my life.

Allow me to introduce you to the members of my family:

The Wifey – a wonderful woman, with whom I usually agree.
SpiderBoy – a rambunctious six-year-old boy. Could be in kindergarten this year, if we weren’t homeschooling. Almost done with first grade.
TikiPrincess – a precocious girl who turns five this week. Just finished kindergarten and started first grade.
Munchkin – a mischevious two-year-old girl. While aware of her birth parents, she seems to have quite happily settled into our family.
Kidling – a rapidly growing eighteen-month-old girl. She is mostly unaware of her birth parents, having lived with us for most of her life.

Why am I writing a blog?

I really enjoy reading. I also really enjoy writing. I would love to be a writer professionally. First, though, I need to get a lot more practice.

I also enjoy a good dialogue. I enjoy getting a different perspective on things, even if I don’t agree with that perspective. I would love to get feedback on some of my ideas, and find different ways of dealing with things.

Finally, I enjoy positive attention. I’m interested in having a blog that people want to read because they enjoy reading it.

The most popular blogs seem to focus on one particular topic. I’m not ready for that yet. This blog will probably jump from topic to topic. If you don’t like the topic, skip the post.

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