All You Need is Love

Today I took the day off of work and went to the wedding of my second-oldest nephew. It made me think about some things that I have learned since I was married.

When I married The Wifey, we were both deeply in love, and we thought that we could keep that feeling alive forever. I remember that I wanted to show her how much she was loved, so I gave her a wedding present, and a one-week anniversary present, and a one-month anniversary present, and a birthday present, and a Mother’s Day present, all within the first couple of months.

The Wifey praised me and told me how wonderful I was for thinking of such things. But she didn’t reciprocate with the gift giving. Finally for Father’s Day she gave me a present that we had spoken of her getting for me for a wedding gift. One gift, months later, did not seem to make up for all of the missed opportunities.

I did not feel very loved from all of that, and neither did The Wifey. I was giving gifts, because well-chosen gifts make me feel loved. The Wifey was praising me, because praise makes her feel loved. Because we didn’t understand each other’s needs, we were failing. “A” for effort, “F” for effectiveness.

But we stuck with it. We talked. We studied. Eventually, we worked some things out and learned some new ideas.

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Steven Covey talks about an “emotional bank account.” The idea is that in any relationship, there is a virtual bank account, and any actions we do in that relationship either make deposits or withdrawals. One of the most important things we can do is to learn what the other person in the relationship considers a deposit.

In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman talks about an “emotional love tank.” He states that there are five main ways that people express and understand love. There are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

When I first heard about this, I made the mistake of assuming that physical touch was my primary love language, because I liked what went on in the bedroom. Gary states that many men make the same mistake. However, I didn’t care as much for the holding hands, cuddling, hugging, and such. That was all nice, but it didn’t really make me feel loved.

I can now see that I used the giving of gifts to show my love and to try to make deposits in my wife’s emotional bank account. The Wifey used words of affirmation. Giving praise does not come easily to me, but I am making efforts to remember more often. The Wifey is wonderful, and she deserves to know it. As I strive to praise my wife, I can tell that she feels more loved.

The Wifey is also learning to give more gifts, despite our constantly-restricted budget. A gift does not have to be big or expensive to be meaningful. I know that one thing that stood out from early in our courtship was when she gave me a rose on the first night of a stage production I was involved in. I didn’t particularly care for roses, but that gift stood out to me, and made me feel truly loved.

After we got married, the “in-love” feeling we had experienced during courtship faded. But we have since replaced it with a love that is truer, deeper, and much longer lasting. I hope that my nephew will be able to do the same.

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